Pain

Pain. Perhaps his gout came back and is making his joints so tender. Perhaps kidney stones can explain some of his symptoms. But the bottom line is we are in pain and trying to manage it with morphine and anti anxiety meds, and stroking and spooning in his hospital bed.

We're not going back to the farm unless/until we get on top of the symptoms and can back off on the pain meds enough so he can be

at the farm. The pain seems so unfair but what does fairness have to do with this passage? Gil is reaping the harvest of his heart in all the folks, in hospital and out whose love of him surrounds us both.

I feel so lucky to be included in the love he engenders in people. I wonder if I can internalize that reaching out to strangers and friends that Gil does? it seems so hard for me to do, but he has changed me.

I am not who I was when I met him, he's made me so much more open to people and pleasure and fooling around, indulging. I've been throwing money at him this last month or so. I want him to have the things that give him joy, he's so gifted at enjoying new things, new toys.

And games, bless his playful heart. My guys were so hungry for a playmate when he came on the scene, playing pickup stix or connect four, cards and magic tricks. I wonder if I can get into playing billiards? His beautiful new billiards parlor, can I embody him by learning to play?

I will be so much less without him. On our first anniversary we did the Meyers Briggs personality type inventory. We are exact opposites. We always said together we made a whole well rounded person. I want to keep him in me.

I am in pain, but mine can't be be helped with morphine. His finally seems to be. Bless persistent nurses.