And then...

After the last blog, I went back out and had a very different experience.  I kept getting stuck.  This time the snow next to the gravel had turned to hard pan ice and the snow banks from the first plowing would sort of suck the tires sideways.   I dug myself out repeatedly, used rock salt, got pulled straight after being sucked into the retaining wall at the bottom of the driveway, and finally in the dark, got stuck up top, right near the shed I was planning to park in and could go no further.

To give a little context to what happened next, I'd been the last felled by the stomach flu which Sydney had brought into the family the week before.   I hadn't eaten much for a couple days or so.  Friday when I went out to try to get unstuck (of course the shovel and salt were in the cab of the truck which now was encased in ice and unable to be opened)   I was feeling pretty light headed.   My neighbor came and pulled me out (and finished the last pass on the drive)      By then I was feeling short of breath, light headed and some heaviness in my chest.

We rejoin our heroine as dusk descends, with the exit from the garage unplowed, trying to convince herself that if she just goes to sleep, all will be well.  
Wake up moment:  I am alone in this house.  The only body that I am responsible for now, is mine.   Would I ever have gambled with Gil's life?
So I call one, then a second RN friend, who tell me in no uncertain terms, that I need to get a friend to drive me, right now, to the the ER in Dodgeville.   So I do.
First blood test, EKG shows that I'm not having a heart attack at that moment.  But is that enough? Nooooooo.  They want me to stay overnight, have two more sets of tests and then a stress test in the morn.     ARG!!.  I was so convinced I'd be right back I'd left lights and music on, dogs in the house, and, as I remembered at 2:30 am, a pan of brownies on the table.  [I'd had experience with Molly getting up on the counter and eating a pan of brownies in the past.  The house had looked like a tornado had hit it.]
After seriously considering escaping,  the new Kathleen decided to          stay.
I realized that I hadn't spent the night in the hospital as a patient, since I'd given birth to David.  It's quite less comfortable than in the support services role.   I got through all the tests and except for a small electrical anomaly, it appeared that my heart was ok, though they never want to say that because women and heart issues present weirdly (or so they told me).

Then the truck broke it's front axel something or other drive shaft thing, and had to be wired up so it could limp into repair.   and then we got another 3 inches of fluff on top of the ice.

As this long post shows, there is no end and no beginning.  I am in the process of retooling my skills, my attitude toward self care, my perspective about being alive.    I'm growing and learning so much these days that I'm exhausted.   But no rush, I have the rest of my life to do it.

Snowplowing

Who knew?  Snowplowing is hard!! I did it once last winter, much, much less snow,  with a squiggly handwriting note from "the guy" on the door as I returned "I am so proud of you", and a lecture on the niceties of plowing which I had no context to retain. 
He always did it.  It was part of our grand bargain.  He did the wood and the snowplowing; I killed chickens.
This   is a blizzard.       The one down side to my new cabin renter, ace chainsawer, mechanic whiz etc. is that he's a professional snow plower.      That means when it snows he's out on the public byways plowing, not here.   I am going to need to learn how to do it, and since this storm is far from over, my learning curve is continuing beginning today.  Thank God I didn't get stuck!! It happened occasionally with Gil but he'd just get out the old tractor, put me behind the wheel of the truck and pull us out.
I don't want to even THINK about it!
I'll go out again in a little while and try to let the guy's pride in me flow through my hands and judgement.   God, I miss him.