Alone

I've been reading the blog from a year ago.  That was such an intense time, I remember feeling it, living it but  it's light years away from now.  I still cry, often from some song and wish he were here to enjoy this or that, but now is a time for me to be alone, and it's good.  I love being alone in my house with nothing urgent to do, I love it! I'm discovering my own rhythms, of sleep or eating, listening to the hum and noticing the way the wind blows, birds fly, the moon fills up it's bowl and then drips it slowly away.
I'm spending a lot of time on deferred maintenance of my body and soul, babysitting, taking care of the house and farm.  These activities eat time, which makes my alone time even more delectable.  I feel the echos of who I am, my likes and desires, compulsions and ruminations, those echos allow me to hear myself in a way that I couldn't when I was focused on my children or spouse.  I needed to be alone to wake up to me.
I feel no rush to dive into anything.  I'll be doing a little more with the garden and meat raising this year, but mostly as support services.  I'm doing a trip out to California to visit David and get a sense of his next phase of life.  Chiris and Miya and baby Miller are coming here sometime in late April as we bury Gil's ashes and plant a tree.  My sibs and I are gathering out in Maine at the end of August to reflect on my dad's life and then I'll spend some time at Pipers Nest, but other than that I'm hoping to just be here, now, alone.
If I listen and am patient, I'll hear what's next.