Learning Curve

I'm learning a whole new way of looking at benefits and costs with Gil now. It's not about future benefits it's only about now. I used to be so ON turning and massaging, "greasing" his butt to prevent skin break down/bed sores. Now, the pain it costs him to turn is not worth it; his body won't be around long enough for bed sores.

When they discontinued the IV antibiotics I feared we'd be setting him up for secondary infections , pneumonia, return of the knee infections etc (which might indeed happen) but the pain of those, IF they happened, could be handled with morphine, and indeed pneumonia might help him slide over the edge, gently, they say. Who knew?

He started spiking a fever (probably the myeloma, it truly IS a raging fire now) and I had them give him a Tylenol suppository. Yes the fever came down but turning him hurt him. They said a fever doesn't hurt him. We can keep him comfortable through morphine and Haldol, the fever costs him nothing now; it's part of the process.

I'm on the bottom of a whole new learning curve. All my hyper vigilance to avoid problems, to minimize pain, maximize possibilities has changed. There are no more possibilities beside a gentle death. Now needs far less intervention than the future used to.

The Madison skyline over the lake is starting the magic moment of blushing. I AM going to get at least one more delicious sunrise from the best room on B6. (I thought it was going to be overcast/raining today) I am such a sunrise addict. I almost feel a physical tingle as the blush grows, hear a faint change in "the hum". I have tried so many times to catch the tricolored blush/gold/blue. Haven't captured it yet in wax or fabric. yet.

The first step in my new learning curve is just the realization that all my old ways of relating to his body, our joint plans and projects , my future, need to be learned all over again, with a whole new calculus. Everything has shifted and the first step in my new journey is just to remember that moment to moment. The next step of the learning will make it's self known as the first one soaks in.