orbiting

Watching bluebirds nest, listening to "our music" one of our earliest and deepest bonds, I finally found a way to describe what I'm feeling. I've been orbiting Gil's mass, his needs and desires, areas to be careful of, passions, for so long , that it has become my gravitational center, what holds me in orbit. And I've lost it. I feel as though I'm shooting out into darkest space, without gravity to hold my feet to the ground except in fleeting moments.

I know that I need to find my own gravitational center in my own life, but it has been a long long time. I barely remember it.

And my fear, that this constant wet sadness will recede, and I'll be left high and dry with my body in the real world but I'll have lost the connection to him that this sadness gives me.

I don't want to lose this pain.