Someone asked about my "do over" comment. Here's what I was wishing.
If I'd known the Monday that he was first in the hospital, that it would be the last time to really have a conversation, oh the things that I would have wanted to talk with him about!! I started sleeping next to him Tues night, I wish I'd been next to him and snuggled him when he could have communicated more.
I wish I'd known we could have been more on top of the pain management. They were giving him morphine shots into his IV but that gave him ups and downs not the steady pain prevention of the continuous feed.
I wish, I wish, I wish I could have honored his desire to be back at the farm. If I'd known perhaps we could have gotten all set with Hospice before this last crisis and it wouldn't have been too painful for him to move.
I wish I could have realized how profoundly, deeply he was rooted in my body and soul, I would have wanted him to know how central he was to my life. He knew, I knew, but not like I do now.
I'm having more time where I'm dry. We had the baptism of his billiards parlor yesterday. All his pool buddies came and whooped and hollered,, God, he would have loved it!! We'll be putting out an invite for any and all who want to learn and be part of a monthly Billiards Bash.
And there'll be a firewood bee, and of course the Gil celebration in June.
Lot's
I wish he were here for
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