Out at the farm again to pick raspberries and beans. I realized how much I let the garden go this year. With all the rain we had my ignoring of the garden in July led to 6-7 ft tall weeds in the garden.
I’m tired. I think I’m ready to be done with gardening. Perhaps thats why i don’t feel great loss. I’m ready to be done. Something in me has switched off. Do I believe that? Time will tell. But the tiredness runs deep
Yesterday I went out to the farm and had the oddest sensation. I had a list of to dos. But no energy. I did what I could and then started to pick beans (not many big enough) but felt sort of woozy and disoriented, more psychologically than physically I definitely wasn’t in productive mode. Then today was another long deep sleep day. Perhaps I AM fighting off some sickness. But it crosses my mind that my body is just starting to grok that something has changed and the body mind disconnect may be the disorientation. I’m curious what tomorrow will feel like
Today was one of exhaustion and deep sleep. I think the depletion of the last few months caught up with me. I struggled to get thru the water. Only walked ,3i mi and ate a whole box of cookies. But I’m writing now and will keep on putting one foot in front of the other til I make it into my new Life. I rather like the feel of its newness, the order that is starting to evolve in my new space. Perhaps this is how to get to the endlessly awaited “rebirth of wonder”. To move forward with curiosity into……?
I’m starting new habits Three days is only the first step, but 30 will be the beginning of new habits. I still find myself wondering Who is the decider in me that is the architect of both the move but also the shedding of old skins, the driver of the new habits? Perhaps the daily walks will become something I look forward to? Perhaps the daily journaling will get me back into writing…. But somehow I feel the presence of a part of me who is taking me in hand, who wants me to step into something new, not necessarily better, just different.. and for some reason, it makes me feel hopeful. Like an older Me is reaching back accross time and guiding me. All I have to do is do it one step at a time
second day living in Madison. I still don’t feel it I’m busy sorting storing ironing out the wrinkles When will it hit me , the enormity of what I’ve just done. Starting new habits drinking 2 lots of water, walking and journaling every day. Who is this person who decided to do this? Away from my beloved fields of switchgrass I’m waiting for the pattern to emerge But who am i now? What am I growing toward?
I moved. I packed up my life piece by piece I picked up each object or picture or writing and decided I decided to keep or give away or toss, burn and bury. I did it one step at a time, one foot infront of the other. And Now I’m living in a little 350 sq ft apt above Adams garage I feel. I don’t know yet. I feel relieved that it’s done I feel tired and in pain. I feel determined To be open to whatever comes. I want to know What else is possible???
