My neighbors gave me a going away party last night. It was an odd sensation. Off the top -of my head I think the only other time a group of people gathered to celebrate me was the baby shower when I was pregnant with Adam. I’ve had birthday parties of course. Not sure why those felt less personal sort of obligatory. But last night felt different It was just the local friends that have been part of our house parties for years and at one point the hosts asked everyone to share a Kathleen memory. It was fascinating the things they remembered that had touched them.
I have very ambivalent feelings about being complimented Fear that folks are “just saying that” to be nice or feel they have to come up with something to say. Yet I feel that I am an “artist of appreciation”, am able to notice and savor aspects of people, or art or some experience that other people might either ignore or not feel meets their standards. If I have that art to appreciate perhaps I should acknowledge that some people may indeed see who I am and what I do and value it.
The vulnerability for me is I don’t want to need their valuing, to expect it, to alter myself to get it. Somehow it feels safer to avoid feeling particularly appreciated. 76 years old and still insulated from others approval. Maybe it’s time to melt a little into the fact that some people see some of me and it truly touches them. That Quaker spark of the divine is able to be seen in everyone, even in me. Appreciate it
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