The Radio in the Back Room

I’ve always been aware of the background music of my life. I can just tune in and hear whatever music my unconscious  feels is the soundtrack at that moment.  Like the time during my divorce when I had a dream that had background music “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”.   And I’ve also been able to tune into the random thoughts and associations and memories that are way behind what the front part of my mind is engaged with.  I’m not always sure what to make of it. It’s not deep wisdom or truths I should listen to. It’s more like an auditory version of the visual after image when you’ve stared at something too long.   But sometime it surprises me and I realize perhaps there’s another reality I should take into account.  I saw an old friend at Quaker meeting the other day, and everything in the back room was saying I DON’T WANT TO reengage with her.   Nothing subtle.  But I’d have a hard time explaining why to myself.  I feel she’d like to get back into relationship and I DON’T WANT to   

The radio in the back room warned me when I first met Tom.  I was extremely uncomfortable and couldn’t figure out why. We were waiting for my friend to return from school. He wasn’t hitting on me or anything. But I was so uncomfortable that I made an excuse to get up and go around the block to kill time. When I returned she still wasn’t there and after a bit I got the same feeling.  And then I vividly remember thinking “I wonder what’s going on here? I wonder if were going to get married and there’ll be some painful thing like with dad and Enid and mom”.  No joke. That radio was onto some deep stuff.  Not that the nonsense syllables and earworm tunes reveal meaning most of the time, (at least that I can figure out at the time)  but listening to my dreams and just noticing the background thoughts  may be what reveals not only my theme music for this new era but also what the first new dance steps should be.   I’m  Listening