I don't know

I've lived my life trying to know, to understand, to gather info and perspectives until something(s) become clear. I'm a "know it all" wanna be, who even knows so much, that I know that I don't know, as I like to mock myself by saying. But I'm finally starting to get it, that no matter how hard I try, there is too much, too, too much that I'll never understand, and accepting that is the only peaceful way forward.

As I was face to face with last night. Gil had been feeling worse as the doxol coated his mouth with sores and kicked his energy and immune system to bits. Yesterday he didn't really eat and had a hard time even staying awake. At bedtime he had some chills, very low grade fever, and then as high as 100.1. Dr Callander's nurse had said that should be the cut off to call into the hospital because he might not have enough immune system to make a higher fever (interesting, I didn't realize that swelling and fevers were the immune system at work, who knew?) Anyway, I called the on call doc who was up in the air about our coming in, and post call his fever dropped to 99.6, so I got him in bed. Then as he made noise in his sleep and had mini sweats I lay there thinking "I don't know what to do, I don't know, I don't know , somebody tell me, because I DON'T KNOW what to do". The not knowing was more than whether or not to go to the hospital, it was "do we keep on with these treatments or any treatments, do we hold on for the potential bump which could allow one more season of appreciating all the little joys which we've taken so for granted??" And I still didn't know but then I noticed that I was getting up and starting to dress, and I realized I WAS going to take him in. I didn't need to know if it was right, I was just going to do it and not knowing was OK. I think maybe I've been humbled into being OK with not knowing. Wouldn't that be a gift!? This guy's passage has certainly rocked my base way of being in the world.

So just the facts:

The guy's in the hospital with a low level pneumonia, and basically no immune system (to be expected with the doxol) and it's probably going to get a little worse before getting better. And yet he is already feeling better than yesterday. He got 2 units of red and one platelet and IV antibiotics and is back on B6 the unit he's spent so much time in that, I'm embarrassed to say, it feels safe and almost homelike in it's familiar faces and routines. (the nurses were all sad and glad to see him, and the cleaning ladies and food folk too!)

We hope to be back on the farm by Thursday or so. again. And I'm just watching it all and curious about what the heck is going to happen next. Because I sure the hell don't know.