Calling the question

After five days of dexamethasone, and the new chemo doxo, which we knew would be a body slam of exhaustion, perhaps nausea, mouth sores etc., yesterday was not a happy day. Though not full out psychotic as in the hospital, Gil was wandering without his feet on the ground of who he is, and he was getting air sickness, so to speak. Top that off with feeling weak and woozy, and the guy was saying he wanted to quit, and die.

We were heading in to see Dr Callander so it seemed the perfect time to once again call the question, is it time to let go and fade to black? Her response was, of course, it's up to us but we should factor in:

His numbers are improving, red blood 10.4, platelets 19, white 2.5, and even more importantly his IGG was down to 2800 from a crisis high of 4800 and his remission cruising norm of 1600.

His feeling lousy is an expected, temporary side effect of an aggressive treatment, not an indication of a steady decline.

His myeloma flare up is recent and we've only just started different treatments which, in her experience, could have several strikes before possibly finding one which could still hit it out of the ballpark.

We can stop at any point, and can (have) decide to stop any part, specifically, no more dexamethasone; it's just not worth it.

And remembering even last week, pre dex, life, the new car, playing pool, visiting with loved ones, food, listening to Celia Cruz, watching movies, snuggling with his well cushioned wife, ALL made life worth living. She thought that after these side effects fade, he should be at least as able to enjoy these as he had been before.

He decided to continue with those treatments which didn't take more life than they gave.

And so I am "calling the question" myself.

Though I don't have an illness which, without intervention, would end my life in a predictable time, I still have a choice. I can float through these rapids, and let myself get beaned by whatever rocks are in the way (which in many ways is what I've been doing these last months) (and which may not have been an all bad way to deal with sudden onset white water)

or perhaps I can take a little more responsibility for managing the well being of my body and soul, and try to steer a little bit. Perhaps this is the time to grow in some areas of my life which, up til now, I could get away with leaving on the automatic pilot of my early life coping habits. I don't want to waste the fact I have a potentially longer life trajectory than Gil. The only oar I have is curiosity/openness. I find myself asking, why chose to live??? I'm going to be really listening for what answers.