What the "C" word does is usher you through a portal into being aware of your mortality, a wonderful gift, and as long as your road is not horrifically painful, I'd say well worth the "fear" price of admission! "Cancer magic" as I like to call it gives everyone close to it a whiff of the JOY of being alive, of how good air tastes to breath.
There are benign cancers, "non invading and conquering the world of your body" tumors. But as in real estate it's all about "location, location, location". Gil's brain tumor wrapped around the base of the brain stem, or his desmoid tumor taking over the grand central station of all the nerves to his right arm as cases in point, with benign tumors like that, who needs enemies?
There are malignant tumors who have hopes of consuming as much of your body as they can, but they vary widely in aggression, appetite, speed and ease of being intercepted in their mission. Many, many cancers are slooow growing, no rush in nailing the puppy. Many cancers have no great plan of doing in the host, they just want a chance at sharing the food source, also able to be dealt with with minimal sweat. The most important thing is how early in the cancer's growth was it discovered, and how aggressive is it. There are cancers who are consuming as fast and furiously as they can and others who are tricky, tricky tricky.
Myeloma falls into that category. It's hard to get at, residing basically inside the marrow of bones, and disrupts the body's ability to make good, life sustaining blood, amongst other nefarious side effects such as kidney destruction, and bone fractures, two that Gil has largely been spared so far. The bitch is when you've found a drug which seems to keep it in a manageable sleeping state, it can and probably will eventually figure a way around that chemical road block and continue to take over the bone marrow, so new drugs must be found, All well and good as research attempts to keep churning out viable treatments.
Until it morphs, as Gil's did this winter into a house afire, blazingly aggressive form. Now the question is, can you impede the cancer without killing the host or making him want to die, which is just as bad.
Dr Callander is our knight in shining armor figuring out battle plans and tools. We trust and I'd say love her for her clarity about what's important here, quality of LIFE, and Gil's gift of enjoyment. I'm the man on the ground giving her feedback on the enemy's overt progress and how the battle plan is working for the guy. I feel like I'm a respected part of the team, which is a marvel after some Dr's attitudes in the past, specifically Mayo Clinic which was beyond arrogant and dismissive. But I digress.
So how do you talk to someone with cancer? I know the hesitation, not wanting to impose or seem to have a morbid curiosity about a private matter.
My rule of thumb is if you care enough about the person and what he's going through to listen, then ask! It's not like you're bringing up a painful subject which they wouldn't have remembered if you hadn't mentioned it. Believe me, it's a constant companion, and kind of like the details of child birth, they probably have more info to share with you than you may even want to hear. But if they're exhausted, or don't seem to want to get into it, then
just ask how they are. It's an open question which they can answer to whatever depth they want. And the kind thing is, to just listen. Beware of the urge to tell them about all the stories you've heard about folks beating that kind of cancer or of how GOOD they look. (it can leave the feeling that they don't look bad enough to be getting all this fuss, they must be exaggerating it) Unfortunately, looks, weight gain or loss, skin color etc may have nothing to do with how they are faring in their fight with cancer.
And ask is there anything you can do to help. Frequently the mundane "dirty laundry" so to speak can weigh folks down more than the hospital vigils. I can attest to the tremendous gift value of non guilt producing offers of help around the farm. I have never felt so loved or supported, and by extension Gil can feel that folk's love of him is a gift he can give to me to ease my burden.
So there you have it, Kathleen's handy dandy guide to talking with someone fighting the "C" word. Take the gift of feeling your own mortality through your caring about their's.
And NOTICE how good it feels to breathe.
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