Dream Passage

I've been asked for "more pictures, less numbers and tell us what it's like" for us now.

So

It feels a little like this picture, a long passage with a slight dream like quality to it. Gil's pretty much completely raw from his mouth all the way through his system. The pain is always there and makes it impossible to eat much. He's on continuous morphine and self administered doses. Plus alot of other meds for nausea.

His default state is asleep. He can be roused for vitals and brief visits and of course, the bathroom. This picture was the one time today when he was told he needed to get up and walk. We made it down to the lounge where he tromped me in Cribbage, even though he fell asleep each time it was my turn to lay down cards!

I'm in an altered state too. Time has slowed way down. I try to make it to the hospital before 7am so I can touch base with the night nurse. I help the guy get dressed, though some time it doesn't get finished til late morning. You know, I'm not exactly sure what the heck we do. !? Some how the day slogs on with some jigsaw, some games, some TV or DVDs but as of now he is, at best, 10% present. I stay til he goes to bed (last night that was early!) usually 10.

I think about getting to the other side of this where we can go where or do what we want without thought about meds or doc appts. Watching Gil in his primal state, does make me feel how connected I am to him. Kinda sweet remembering him over the years and imagining this next phase. The farm seems like a previous lifetime, though when I've gone back every 3rd or 4th night, it feels like home. I'm grateful for the young folks taking care of the farm flora and fauna.

For both of us, this feels like an uncomfortable dream with occasional swirls of hope.

(and his white blood count is under 0.1) (look for it to start rising by this Monday!)