Saturday, August 18, 2012

A pulse of despair

swept me off my feet just now.  Cleaning the "Oh My God!" basement back room, I'm running into all sorts of Gil byproducts.  It's so hard to find the energy to slog through the crap mixed in with the occasional crucial part of something which had been lost amidst the dietris of our lives these last years.  I can't just shovel it out, so to speak, since who knows what important long lost something I may find? How long has it been since the basement was clean?  Why should I bother?  The weather is gorgeous, the goats are contained (albeit eating my burning bush and balsams to a nub, opps) friends are coming for a Chinese dumpling dinner and I just want to go to sleep and not wake up again.  ever.
Despair, one more layer of the hell called grieving.  I've got to believe there is an other side to this and I will be in it, energized and hopeful a year or so from now.  But it's hard to believe.

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