I'm moving forward, mowing, taking tools in for sharpening. repair. I'm making another attempt at refinancing our mortgage, and have applied for a credit card in just my name. I feel like I'm moving into owning my own life, and it feels good and new and mostly dry.
Yet this morning I'm in a puddle because
every step I take forward into my new life
is a step away from Gil and my life with him at the center.
I know it has to be, and it is vast with possibilities, but I feel like a ground hog who has seen his shadow, I want to run back to burrow my head under the pillows and not wake up. I don't want to lose the pain. I don't want to look back on Gil as a memory from my past. I'm not there yet, but it's coming.
There's a ton of work around the farm and challenges like how to move the tractor and of course finally getting in the grove about his party. The more I'm focusing on tasks the more I've got my feet on the ground. I'm not ready yet to stop the free fall, but it's coming, and it makes me cry. It's just too odd.
No comments:
Post a Comment