I let go of daily writing so I could allow something that I’d really like to write about to emerge, and …..crickets. Oh well. I did come up with a couple of essay topics that I certainly love to think and talk about, But no “urge to write”.
What has been interesting in this last month and a half is noticing bits and pieces of myself in various incarnations that I don’t particularly like. But for whatever reason, I don’t feel ashamed or bad about them, just curious. They’re sort of like dream images, They feel like my soul tapping me on the shoulder and saying, you could work on this if you want.
One was an awareness that when I’m stressed, I don’t relax and listen as well as I can. That and trying to Tell, and Organize and Plan can perhaps leave those around me feeling like they don’t matter.
Another is when I’m SO Full of ideas to share that I talk over people don’t give them a chance to ping pong with their own ideas. This talking too much, interrupting, talking over people has been a life long issue Sometimes it’s a problem in the relationship sometimes not. I think living alone exacerbates it. I have so much of my inner ruminations stored up that there’s pressure as it all comes through the narrow orifice of my mouth
My inner “sage on the stage” rather than my “guide on the side” pontificates sometimes. My inner Know it All, And I roll my eyes. I know better, I’ve contained the urge most of my life. Why the heck do I still do it now, and what feels like more often? It’s hand and glove with the need to give whenever I notice an unmet Need I could fill. A lifelong issue Perhaps this lifetime still has time to untangle myself from the habitual stickiness of these behaviors Though I will say I haven’t been possessed by the urge to “give away the farm” so to speak as much as of late.
Ah but am I catching sight of my magic moment self much lately? My magic sauce is noticing. And being able to put into words some very hard to pin down feelings and awarenesses. I can be a conduit for the Universe sometimes, when I leave the need to be the one doing the giving Which to be honest has never been a big need for me, having to Be the One who is wise. I just like to help the wisdom of life roll along when I can, no acknowledgement needed.
I see myself less attached to Doing anything, but feel the restlessness of not having a focus for my life force. I say that being bored and restless will help me be open to discovering what I want to focus on for this last phase of my life. But there’s the danger of just drifting into the doldrums and never again feeling the winds of Spirit filling my sails
Perhaps of all my magic moments I value most when I can feel Spirit using me. But it’s nothing I can make happen or demand. Like in Quaker meeting, I need to listen and allow it when it happens. And accept it when it doesn’t. “They also serve who only stand and wait”
